Desperation
by Shake Well Before Opening
Summary: Edward blames Bella for his family being ripped apart so shuts him self away from the world. but can Bella bring back the Edward she used to know, or did her big brother, James, ruin everything that should have been?
1. Chapter 1

Desperation

He walked straight past me, as if I was invisible to him. The look on his face was a cross between desperation and pure hatred. It was understandable that he should have felt this way towards me, but not after all this time. It was water under the bridge, or so I had thought.

"A week till the five year anniversary" I was informed by Alice.

She was as pale as ever but today she looked a worse kind of pathetic, like she was desperately seeking approval from the one place she was never going to get it. And unlucky for her that that place was him:

We had known him for as long I could remember, but now he was different and not the good kind of different. He used to be sweet and kind and most of all a genuinely nice human being, now he was rude and misguided teenager with no respect for anything. But what gets to me the most was that he'd been my best friend, now even the thought of him sends me somewhere very dark.

He didn't even look the same. The chubby cheeked, bronze haired boy that once was, had been removed. A nervous wreck stood in his place. He was model potential, but with the constant look of pain that ransacked his good looks, everyone had overlooked this.

I froze. He shot the dirtiest look over his shoulder after spending a good 30 seconds thinking about his looks I then choose to remember he can read me like a book. Great!

According to the psychiatrist, I am not supposed to think about it, he said I should try and forget; but when you are dreaming about it it's a little hard. Normally in my dream it's the same dark, dreary, depressing time. It happens over and over again in an endless loop of torment and death it goes round and round, something I don't think I'll ever forget.

It had happened 5 years ago (minus a week according to Alice), the worst day of my life. Or at least it should have been, in fact it was probably the best outcome of the given situation. Edward disowned me. It was the worst thing and the best thing that could have happened. At least I wouldn't have to see the distraught look of loss that came oozing from every fiber of his being, as if his soul was being shredded.

James, my brother, had always been a little odd. But when he went all psychotic and kidnapped a middle-aged couple, it was really the first time we all realized just how bad he was.

He held them hostage for seventeen days. Seventeen days to symbolize each year of his supposed "suffering", each day hurting them a little more, until finally ending their pain. He gave himself up, and the police found him in one of the schools disused science labs clutching his legs and rocking back and forth, sobbing into his blood stained clothes.

They were Edward's parents, Edward sr and Elizabeth Masen. I guess that kind of explains why he despises me, I suppose he thinks my whole family's like my oldest brother. But if so, he defiantly thinks wrong.

"Bells, Bella, Isabella!' I was doing it again.

'Thinking about Edward?'

I nodded, Alice knew me too well for me to hide it from her. I was suddenly over come with a strange sense of bravery, like something deep down inside me wanted things back the way they were. I was normally able to restrain these thoughts by do things like complicated maths in my head, but today I was far to overcome with the grief I felt for our friendship to ignore them.

"EDWARD!" I boomed he flinched but carried on walking. It didn't help that I knew what I wanted to say. Now more determined than ever, I jolted up from the bench and ran as fast as a cheater to his side. To my surprise, he stopped and turned to me.

"What?" said the irritated version of the voice that I had longed to hear and at that moment all my bravery drained away and I was left feeling like I had the day I first met him, small and insignificant.

'Long times no see' was all I managed to stutter out and however unexpectedly, as the tension between us lifted, I saw a smile. But it looked wrong, out of place. It was the sort of smile that didn't reach his eyes, or even the corners of his mouth, the sort of smile that chills you right to the bone. But the smile doesn't even compare to the glint in his eyes. The same glint Alice's brother Emmett gets when he's about to pull a prank. The only difference being Emmett wouldn't hurt a fly, but who knows what Edward's torchered soul is capable of anymore.

"torchered soul?" he questioned.


	2. Death gets to us all in the end

Death gets to us all in the end.

Edward POV

"Tortured soul?" I glared down at her, willing her to leave, I wasn't too sure how long my tough guy act would last. My internal battle had apparently brought out my defensive smirk. How I longed to pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and steal back my best friend from the clutches of the black haired pixie, well that what my heart wanted. It wanted to be put back together by the little brunet stood just 2 feet away.

But my head said no. It still blames her; it was her brother that broke me. He stole my family, and practically got away with it, all he had to do was plead insanity and spend his time in a Looney bin until he was deemed not to be a threat to society. I lost EVERYTHING. So my brain did the 'logical' thing, and shifted the blame to the next person it could, unfortunately, that was Bella.

And even with my little 'quirk' knowing for sure that that she had nothing to do with him and that if possible, she despises him more than me. I still cannot bring myself to look in to her eyes, the same eyes as her mother, and the same eyes as James. It brought to much pain to look at her face but see his.

30 seconds and she still hadn't said anything, and her only thought was about the smirk on my face. It hurt to know that she thought I was capable of hurting her, of all the people I would hurt if I could, she wouldn't even make the top thousand. I couldn't hurt her.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards my Volvo, a gruff noise of a giant getting up, followed by some rather heavy footsteps indicated that brother bear was coming to the rescue. Bella forced me to turn my head, her weakening grip wasn't enough to pick a daisy, but I turned my face to hers none the less. She must have been with what she saw; turning her head to Emmett, merely breathing "I'm safe".

"Adoptive brother or not, you hurt her more then you already have, and I will make you wish you were never born" Emmett's always had a way with his thoughts. "She's better family then you've been. Well maybe she'll fix you. We sure know you need a good old fashion fixing." The smirk in his thoughts was undeniable. I admit having a sex obsessed adopted brother has its perks, like, umm. No I turns out it doesn't. And that's Emmett for you, sucks the tension out of a situation, not even realising he's doing it; the guys never had a serious thought since he was born.

God, you don't realise how much you miss something until what you had is shoved right back in your face. I had a happy family. I had a really great group of friends. I had the best best friend any guy could want. And now I have another perfect family that I exclude myself from, a group of people I ignore at all cost, and a petite brunet that has to check to see if she's safe around me. But the worst part, the bit that should hurt the most, is that the dominating part of my head doesn't care. If anything it likes the look of pain on their faces every time they see the dead look on mine. It likes the sorrow in their thoughts, it likes that they blame themselves for what is happened to me. It's willing to kill me, just to make them feel the pain I felt. It's the insane part of my head that I just don't seem to be able to control, a part of my head that only arrived when He stole my everything, right down to my sanity.

I didn't have to pull her anymore; it was as if she knew what I wanted. She didn't make a scene; she just slipped into the passenger seat and looked blankly ahead, like we bunked of after lunch every day. I wasn't sure where I was taking her, I hadn't decided. In my family making split second decisions was second nature, you have to be very quick to be able to get round "satins pixie". Alice had a second nature for knowing things, before they happen.

'Should I say something, what's going on, where are we going, why has he taken me? Aw crap, how can I have forgotten again, why am I so thick sometime?'

"You're not stupid Bella. It's just been a while." I'd sent her brain into over drive, infuriating buzzing, sat there not being able to make heads nor tails of what she was thinking. "Will you just stop thinking please? Or at least slow down!" it came out more malicious then I'd meant, Bella cringed away from me.

Bella POV.

"Will you just stop thinking please? Or at least slow down!" the tone in his voice made me cringe away involuntarily, and if I hadn't have known better I would have thought the look on his face was that of an apology. Edward rolled his eyes and turned back to face the road that was disappearing quickly under the front of his ever perfect silver Volvo. I wonder what he would do if he ever had an accident and totalled it. An unfamiliar noise came from beside me. Edward laughed.

"I've never had an accident, bells, why would I start now?" That just set my head off again. Bells, he'd called me Bells, only my close friends called me that. Did it mean anything or was I reading too much in to it. Was it just a slip of the tongue or did it mean something? God jus being near him made my head hurt; 15 minutes ago I would have told you that Edward Anthony Masen Cullen hated my guts, and couldn't bear to even look at me without running a marathon just to get away, now we were sitting side by side in his car, whilst we should be sat in biology, driving to god knows where.

And then he stopped the car. But why had we stopped here. There are so many horrid memories trapped between the walls of this place, I hadn't even un-done my seat belt and Edward was already out of the car and by my door offering me his hand, ever the gentleman.

"Why are we here?" it hurt to think about where he'd stopped, it hurt for me to be here, the pain for him must so much worse, and to be here with me of all people, was he crazy? Did he want to feel everything? Aren't I'm the person he blames for his pain?

"of all the questions flying about in that pretty little head of yours _that's_ the one you ask?" it was almost like having the real Edward back, it was almost like my Edward was back. Deflecting my questions with another was so typical of him.

"The cemetery, not exactly the sort of place I'm used to being taken" it was true, well technically I wasn't used to being taken anywhere. Apart from when Alice dragged me places, I tried not to leave the house, everywhere in this god forsaken town is full of memories from back before my brother stole my best friends' life. Happy times, like riding bikes and eating ice cream, just normal child hood things. Also I tried to hide from mike; mike is like the puppy that you just can't seem to discourage enough, always coming back, just to be sent away again. And it's not his fault I don't date, it's just that, apart from the brother bear and jasper, I don't really trust guys all that much. My brother went insane, which lead to my best friend abandoning me and my father leaving me and my mother in search of a life not so full of depression and insanity, not a good first impression of men. The only guys you can trust are the ones that were whipped before they could walk.

"Ha-ha I'm so telling Emmett you said he was whipped" ah crap. I shot Edward a dirty look.

"You wouldn't" I countered in a confident tone, a fake confident tone, if Edward wanted to do it, he would. He just raised his eye brows. "But he was! If Rose say's jump Em asks how high? That's the way it's always been!"

Edward POV

Even when he's not here, Emmet can still defuse a situation. I don't know why I brought her here, I didn't even realise I was brining her here until I was putting the Volvo in to park. It was like something was pulling me towards this place, like the insane part of my head looked for the place that would hurt both of us the most. Cemeteries are often portrayed as dark creepy places, full of silence and death, but the forks cemetery played right into that stereo type, got visibly darker as we stepped, together, slowly towards the gate.

This was the place where I, an 11 year old boy, buried my parents. Here is also the place Bella buried her mother 2 years ago. Renee committed suicide not long after the honourable (my arce) chief swan left his wife and daughter; I actually felt something other than my own selfish pain that day. That feeling didn't last long.

'EDWARD!'

"Oh um yer?" and that's 10 points to the stupid shiny Volvo owner, for the worst response in the history of mind readers. A sniffle brought me crashing back to reality, was she crying?

"Edward why are we here, I haven't been here since...since...." 'Since my mum died' she was crying now, tears streaming down her face. Some unfamiliar emotion stirred inside me, as I rapped my around the fallen angle that I made cry.

I just held her while she cried, I don't know why, my brain was screaming for me to get the hell away, but I just stood there holding the girl who used to be my best friend. We must have stood there for half an hour; a few people came and went giving sympathetic looks at the situation they couldn't even begin to understand. But finally Bella slowed her breathing, wiped her eyes and detached herself from me.

"Why here Edward, why here?" by the look on her face and the thoughts in her head, she thought I'd brought her here to hurt her, and in a way I had, but what came out of my mouth surprised the both of us.

"You didn't grieve. It's been 2 years and you still won't let yourself remember her, she was your mother Bella, you can't just push her aside in hope that one day you'll forget. Because you won't, trust me you won't. And don't think I haven't tried. I tried to forget, I tried to think about the fun that I would have with Emmett as a brother, all the pranks we would pull on Jasper.

None of it worked, so I gave up. I stopped living for the future and started living in the past, resenting everything that changed what I had. That's what turned me in to this, old before my time. I am old and alone, and still only 16.

Then when you ran up to me earlier, I felt a surge of something; a surge of life, of remembrance of what it was like to be happy. Hearing your thoughts made me realise that it's not just my life that stopped that day, only your pain was dragged out, first you watched your friend die, then you went through hell, I thank god, everyday that I didn't have to see what that scum did to my parents, and then I remembered what you saw." I grabbed her to my chest as she cringed away from the horrific image in her head. "I thought if I could just get you to let go of your facade of happiness, the one you put on to make Alice and Esme happy, for just a minute, that maybe you could finally begin put your mother to rest. I want you to live; I want you to be happy."

"And the other reason?" That's got to be at least 20 points to the brunette for seeing strait though me.

"It's kind of hard to explain..." why am I telling her this? It's her eyes, I swear right now she could tell me to go bury myself alive, and I would do it. "There's a sick part of my head, a bit that I can't control, it likes the pain. And heck with you here, it probably thought I would be in more pain than normal." God what does this chick do to me? We're together for an hour and I've suddenly gone soft. This is why I don't talk to her.

She looked up at me, and suddenly I was seeing his eyes again, the glimpse of hope that had turned them back to her own was gone, her look was close to that of hate.

'He brought me out here just to hurt me, should have known. People don't just change like that.'

"Well if we're here to fuel your need for pain, let's go look at my mother's grave." Her tone was harsh, not as harsh as her thoughts, but still enough to cut right though me. "I bet the marbles black with dirt and covered in weeds" her tough words were just a cover, she begging to worry, as much as she could pretend, her mother's grave, looking the way she imagined would kill her she would take the blame upon herself and it would tear her apart.

We walked through the narrow paths, single file, until we reached the plot of land where Renee was buried. We both gasped in surprise. The plot was well kept, the marble shone and fresh flowers lay beneath it.

Renee Swan

Beloved mother

Best friend

'Oh my' was all Bella could think before she began to cry. 'I tried to not believe that she was dead. Somewhere in my head, it was that she was just away, the one day she'd just pop up and be like ah sorry for the fuss I've caused, it wasn't me in that coffin, it's all a big miss understanding. And I guess that seeing her here now, well, makes me realise that she's gone. My mum's not coming back. I was trying so hard not to believe that.'

She got to her feet, blew a kiss to her mother and made a promise to come back.

"Your parents?" the way she said it, it should have sounded like a question, to me it was marching orders. I lead her back down the paths towards where my parents were laid to rest, right under a large willow tree. I didn't have to read the inscription on their grave stone, I'd had them committed to memory since Carlisle helped me write them.

I've always thought it odd to talk to the dead; they are dead after all, so I just bowed my head and tried to remember all the good times, the smell of my mother's perfume, what my father would say as he tucked me in to bed. I could feel the concentrated look spread across my face.

'What's wrong?' the panic in Bella's thoughts mimicked my own.

"I...I can't remember."


	3. If emotions are all in our heads

Hi i know it's been a long time. but for this story i have to be in the wrong place, and lucky for me. (not so much for this story) i haven't been there for a while.. but you know.. life is a bitch.. :/ but have a new chapter for a story i like quite a bit. :)

* * *

Why does my heart hurt so much right now?

Bella pov.

He broke down, his face cracked into broken shards; if I'd thought cold distant Edward was bad this was worse. A grown man crumpled to the floor like a child, taking me down with him. I didn't know what to do, we where both knelt in the dirt, awkwardly not touching. If I leant in to support him would he break down further, or would he flat out reject me as he has done for the last 5 years. I resolved to myself that I wouldn't make the first move.

My new resolved crumpled quickly as I fell into him, what did my brain think it was talking about? My heart couldn't bear to see my best friend in such agony.

'What can't you remember?' I couldn't bring myself to break the silence, fearing that he would snap out of his trance and back to his hate filled reality, he must have heard my thought.

"My life, my proper life, the one before..." his voice faded out, we both knew what he was talking about: His parent.

"Not at all?"

"None of the important stuff, it's all gone." He was closing off again, defending himself from getting hurt again.

'Teddy. Explain to me. Please.' He grunted, i must have struck a nerve i bet no one's called him that in 5 years.

"Do you remember my mum's perfume? Her favourite colour, the way she used to dress? How about my dad, did he smoke? Did they truly love each other? What colour was his hair?" each question was like half a thought, and it was ripping him to shreds.

"Close your eyes. And clear your mind." His eyebrows scrunched together, he didn't understand. "Trust me. Please"

* * *

_10 years ago._

_We were lying in his garden, me, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose, lying on the grass looking up at the stars, as you do just wasting time away the way you can only do during summer vacation. Elizabeth was watching us from the kitchen, keeping one eye on us and the other on Edward Snr who was in his work shop fixing the wreck of bikes we'd left him with after failing to create a bmx track in the garden. As if she saw it coming, she was half way across the lawn with the first aid kit before he'd even had a chance to cry out in pain, 30 seconds later she had fixed up her surgeon husband, kissed him on the cheek, and berated him for being too eager to please us children. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her in to his embrace._

* * *

_Edward's 8__th__ birthday_

_It was a big occasion, the garden was full of marquees, each made up to represent a different stage of his life, one full of baby pictures and a crib, another dedicated to his first day of school, my favourite, one full of all of our x-rays, the rest of the garden was full of bouncy castles, ball pits and slip and slides, the one tent that made no sense to 8 year old me, one looking into the future, what they wanted for their only son. A high school diploma, a collage diploma, a job in an orchestra or possibly a doctor like his father, his friends (digitally aged photos of all of us children standing together smiling) a family, lots of kids. But most of all they wanted their son to be happy. I remember them standing staring at the photo of Edwards 'graduation' looking at it with such pride arms wrapped around each other content._

* * *

_The only time I ever saw Edwards parents fight. I must have been 10_

_Edward Snr came home to a house full of noisy preteens; he must have been stressed about something. He yelled at us to keep the noise down, didn't kiss his Elizabeth and went straight upstairs to his office. She followed him a few moments later with a cold beer and an apologetic expression, i couldn't understand, he'd been out all day, what could she have possibly done, why was he so pissed? We could hear the yelling from the den, something along the lines of "don't bring all that shit home with you" then "we're supposed to be family" "why won't you even listen to me?" Ten minutes of silence latter they both came down stairs, as loved up as ever, Edward snr was calmer he still had a little scrunch between his nose which Elizabeth kissed away. Then he spoke. "I lost a patient"_

* * *

"And his hair was the same as yours."

"How is it that you remember and i don't?" he was blaming himself for forgetting. "i can't even remember the last time I thought about them let alone tried to remember. I just closed it all off." He was crumbling further; his head was now resting in my lap, as if he didn't have the strength to hold it up by his self.

After what seemed like a few moments he straightened himself up. "What he did to you. Was worse, than what he did to me. How do you cope?" he looked me strait in the eyes for the first time since we were 11.

"How do I cope with what..? My brother being a psychopath? My best friends being devastated, then shutting me out? My father abandoning me? Then my mother abandoning life?" this was too much for him. But i couldn't stop. " I just think about how much worse it must have been for you. My life slowly crumbled away. Yours was just ripped out from under your feet. You blame me. So i blame me. I just act like I cope for Esme and Alice."

By the end of my rant, he was on his feet pulling me to mine. "we should be heading back." Was all he said. He navigated us back to the car pulling me by my wrist as if he couldn't stand the idea of having to come back looking for me if i got lost.

He opened the door for me with one last question. "If emotions are all in our heads... why does my heart hurt so much right now?"


	4. WHO WOULD HAVE BELIVED ME?

WHO WOULD HAVE BELIVED ME?

"How do I cope with what..? My brother being a psychopath? My best friends being devastated, then shutting me out? My father abandoning me? Then my mother abandoning life?" She was falling apart, just like I had fallen apart, her happy façade melting away "I just think about how much worse it must have been for you. My life slowly crumbled away. Yours was just ripped out from under your feet. You blame me. So I blame me. I just act like I cope for Esme and Alice."

Before I knew what I was doing I'd pulled us both too our feet, I just had to get her away from here, wrapped up in my own pain I'd selfishly ignored hers, I had her back for an hour and I'd broken her over and over again, I made her remember things she shouldn't have to ever remember.

"We should head back" was all I could manage; Esme will be so disappointed of me for what I've done. Getting us out of there as quick as possible I had to physically restrain myself from throwing her over my shoulder and running back to the car. I couldn't resist one more question.

"If emotions are all in our heads... why does my heart hurt so much right now?" The look on her face said that she understood. But should she have to understand? Why was I here? Why did I feel the need to cause her pain? What sort of friend does that?

The worst kind.

I put my foot to the floor and wait for the small town to disappear behind us, pulling off the highway and onto the long twisting driveway. I slowed the car to a halt not wanting her to go back to living a lie. I wouldn't be able to deal with the pain without her. But I also can't force her to deal with it, I resolved to go back to how it had been, her pretending to be happy and me pretending that I don't care.

_Pretending you do care more like._

No. My days of giving into that part of my brain are gone.

_And I salute you for that choice; just let me know when you want to sleep without nightmares again._

I pulled up at the house and let Bella out, I couldn't deal with the looks I'd receive if I walked in with her, no doubt that by now Alice has informed every one of what happened and where we went. I'll put off the disappointment for a little longer; being able to hear them thinking it over from out here is bad enough.

* * *

The Volvo crawled into the garage, only to find Rose sitting on the hood of Bella's fuck ugly truck. My eyes pleaded with her.

"Put the puppy dog eyes out brother. Your impression of stone cold bastard is better than the innocent act."

"Don't you remember that I'm fragile and you're supposed to be nice to me?"

"Well father dearest isn't here to protect you right now is he?"

"Rose. I've never needed Carlisle's protection from you, my dear. I could tear you to shreds if I so desired. Just feel glad that I don't abuse my 'gift'"

"I remember when you where pleasant to be around. We've all been threw shit Masen. What makes you so special? Least you know who killed your parents. Mine and jaspers were just gone."

"Are you trying to compare horrific stories, 'cause honestly I think we should get Bella in here. Neither of us can compare to walking in on your mother bled out in the bath tub."

"And which one of us can say that they had no way of knowing that was going to happen"

"Not even Alice saw that coming!"

"But you heard her. Throughout the trial, and after when you used to sit in Bella's tree holding yourself back from her"

"WHO WOULD HAVE BELIVED ME? I was a 14 year old boy!"

"You could have done something. Anything!"

"You promised you'd never mention this." And with that I stormed out of the garage, past everyone anxiously waiting for me and up the 3 flights of stairs to my bedroom.

* * *

I can never really block out peoples thoughts but over the years I've found that loud music helps. I just concentrate on spiralling melodies and heavy base lines and try not to listen to the disappointment radiating from below.

"I really thought they were going to have a break through" – Carlisle

"PRICK" – Rose, still angry then.

"That's not what was supposed to happen, Edward." – Alice.

"I was a fool for believing one afternoon would have fixed anything" – Esme, almost in tears.

That was the last straw, I'd made one stupid mistake I'd let weakness make my decisions, I'd let her back in for a moment, and just made everything worse. It might not be the best for me or her, but putting our family through all this just isn't fair.

* * *

Mr and Mrs Cullen had always wanted lots of kids, but unfortunately after complications giving birth to Alice, Esme was left unable to have any more kids. They made up for it thou, always having the house full of Alice and Emmett's friends. But when the unforeseeable happened and Mr and Mrs Hale went missing leaving two distraught seven year olds behind with no family to take care of them, what more was there to do than have the house extended and adopt the twins. The Cullen's had been fostering kids for years and this seemed like the right thing to do. And when my parents were brutally killed they took me in. And last but not least when the final tragedy struck, Bella joined us.

They've never tried to replace our parents, or forced their family upon us, still Esme spends most of her time worry if she's doing a good job. I think this is a crazy, as if she wouldn't be, she loves us as if we were her own, and doesn't show the pain she feels over the loss of her 2 best friends. Carlisle makes sure we want for nothing, not material possessions, attention, or words of wisdom and help with our homework.

If it weren't for the circumstances for which we became a family, I could probably spend a life time learning from Carlisle, listening to Esme tell stories of growing up with my mother and another lifetime watching my siblings interacting with each other.

* * *

I wanted to do a little bit on Rose's opinion, cause i love her. :) she's my favorite bitch.. :P


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